SCP-999 called and gurgled next a happy birthday song that left me feeling tingly and happy all over. I had been a mucilagenous mess, a depressed and crying emo with stringy clear boogers running out of my nose and mouth. My glasses hung from one ear, dripping with salty excretions. My orange curly hair was soaked and sticking to my face. Nobody remembered my birthday. But SCP-999 felt my pain and called to cheer me up. In fact I’m not an emo anymore and he cured my depression. Now I eat orange jello every day because it makes me happy.